I think I have come to a stage where I am becoming skeptical to anything good that is happening to me. Could it be that events in life accumulated since my childhood have made me live strongly rooted in the belief that no good things will happen to me? What I do know and is increasingly more aware is that bad things on me no longer surprise or traumatize me as much as they used to be. Bad events in life used to rock my boat and leave me shattered at least for a few days. Now, as I encounter more and more bad news on me, I am able to accept them almost like part of life. Call it managed expectations or lack of hope.
I have grown up under the shadow of ‘I am not good enough and nobody likes me’. I care a lot about what others think of me and had always felt the need to prove myself. Upon an action trying to prove myself, I will be wary of what others may think – often wandering into negative thoughts of how other are discussing about me. While I know these are unhealthy, there is always a tendency to do so after each so-called ‘event’. I had to stop myself.
Why am I saying this? I believe there is a strong connection between how I deem myself and how I respond to the things around my world. I am right to say that it is rather unfortunate to be suffering a chronic illness since a young age and to go through all the complications that it has brought, but I could have faced it differently in a way showing that I truly love myself. Love myself enough to not be so insecure about what others may be discussing about me, love myself enough to know I deserve nothing less that what God has wanted for me, love myself enough to fight a good fight of dissatisfaction with my God whom I believe to listens and answers prayers, and love myself enough to allow others to love me. Most of all, love myself to know that I am Loved and deserve more than what I think of myself.
I am not there yet, and that’s a reality check. I went for a second opinion on my eye yesterday and the doctor gave me a clean bill and said that there is no evidence of any uveitis occurring in the last 4 weeks, and suggested that it could be an infection (which I know for sure it is not), or just dry eyes. To me, if this is true, it could either be that the steroid eyedrop the first doctor prescribed work wonders or God has heard and answered the prayers of my sojourners.
However, I remain unmoved at this moment. I am not convinced by either of the explanation. I am skeptical that this could happen to me. I somehow will not believe this until I have seen the first doctor again end of this month. And until he has cleared my eye, I remain skeptical. Do I want this to be true, of course… but somehow, my mind cannot comprehend it. Can good things happen to me? Do let it be so…