Okay… I will start writing…again

It was just another quarterly follow-up appointment with my consultant, but somehow I knew there is something more awaiting me. Months before this, I have noticed the unusual symptoms on my eyes. There are mornings where I had to pry open my eyelids that got gelled together by the crystallization of excessive discharge. About 2 weeks ago, the symptoms gotten worse. It was painful, red, inflamed, itchy and they hurt when I put on my lenses. I went to the GP and the preliminary diagnosis was conjunctivitis. ‘Knowing’ what it is not, I asked the GP for a referral to an ophthalmologist. Somehow that got screwed up and I am only scheduled to see one next month.

So there I was last Wednesday, at my Consultant’s room. I wanted so much to tell, wanted so much to tell someone who may understand (who other than my doctor?) about what I have experienced. Was I looking for an answer or a solution? No I wasn’t… I simply needed to share the burden, I was looking for someone to co-share the anxiety that has built up – I was desiring affirmation and companionship. Upon sharing the symptoms and her examining my eyes, she confirmed my initial diagnosis that it is not an infection. I got an immediate referral to the Ophthalmologist Clinic next door for a thorough eye examination.

Verdict:
Bad news: Uveitis, inflammation of the blood vessel and connective tissue of the eyes
Good news: no apparent damage seen at core of the eyes

So what does it all mean? Lupus is active despite me being in denial thinking it is in remission since the last flare 2 years ago affecting my kidneys. Lupus is attacking the eyes. If untreated/uncontrolled, it may lead to blindness. *Silent panic* that’s not what I want! I can’t accept that… and I refuse to.

What do I do now? I wait, I stand still and I Pray.

Father, you have brought me so far not to leave me now. While there is a gentle protest within my heart, I know you will not turn your face away from me. I am lost for words, i don’t know what to pray. The heart cries in brokenness, aware of how far i have fallen and how much i want you. You’ve told me to stand still and with that stillness in my heart, I will stand still and let you move. Thank you for the love and support you have gathered for me. With you and your people. I will STAND, in the trust and peace granted from above and within. Lord have mercy.

Amen

 

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