small = cute? what about big?

Why are things only cute when they are small or little?

This has always puzzled me. Why are all things cute only when they are small? I googled ‘cute chubby baby’ and ‘obesed adult’ for the fist two pictures respectively, I am sure you can sense the vibes attached to the 2 different search phrase. The same characteristic that makes the 2 person has a completely opposite effect. A boy may have his t-shirt tucked into his pants which sits way above his waistline and be commented as ‘so cute’. On the contrary, if an adult dresses himself in the same way, he will be termed weird and given strange stares. ¬†That’s unfair isn’t it? ūüôā

split-brain phenomena

It frustrates me when any body parts are unable to co-ordinate and accomplish a task as instructed by the brain. In medicine, we call it the split-brain syndrome, associated with physiological psychology. It is a result when the corpus callosum which connects the two hemispheres of the brain is severed. In cases like this, communication between the two hemispheres controlling the different body functions are disrupted.

How many of us are capable of generating good ideas, great and noble vision that is grounded by honorable values? And how many of us have the capacity to plan and execute them? As I look around, the world is not short of any great and honorable vision, but what we are lacking is a group of people who are committed to the cause. Proposal¬†and jobs are birthed following a vision – usually an inspiring one. The bigger the vision is, the greater the plan become and inevitably, many more people will be recruited into the job. The group gets bigger and bigger and the mission is broken down into the different departments, different divisions, different job descriptions and different task to do. Does the core value and vision get passed down too? I am not quite sure. I am not even sure if the reason of why a certain job is initiated is communicated to the personnel who is executing it, or their supervisor, or the supervisor’s supervisor.

C’mon! How many of us go to work each day feeling empowered and enthusiastic towards the mundane tasks we have listed on our to-do-list? How many of us really take time¬†to pause and ask the simple question of where does all this fit in? How many of us know the significance and reason “why we do what we do?” And how many of us dare to speak up when things are in injustice? Most of us just do the work given to us! We no longer work because we believe in what we do, we no longer speak up when things don’t seem right. We blindly do in fear of losing our rice bowl or being singled out as the ‘troublemaker’. We just want to put a tick on the to-do-list and get by. When that happens, are we true to the Vision and Mission? or do we go “I don’t care, just do it. I don’t want to lose my job.” That is sad isn’t it?

There is definitely thinning of the message when any organisation grows bigger. What happened to the Vision and Mission? Have we become like robots no longer able to differentiate good and bad? No wonder the organisation don’t succeed. The people doing the work are not committed to the Vision.

Why do we work?

Okay… I will start writing…again

It was just another quarterly follow-up appointment with my consultant, but somehow I knew there is something more awaiting me. Months before this, I have noticed the unusual symptoms on my eyes. There are mornings where I had to pry open my eyelids that got gelled together by the¬†crystallization of excessive discharge. About 2 weeks ago, the symptoms gotten worse. It was painful, red,¬†inflamed, itchy and they hurt when I put on my lenses. I went to the GP and the preliminary diagnosis was conjunctivitis. ‘Knowing’ what it is not, I asked the GP for a referral to an¬†ophthalmologist. Somehow that got screwed up and I am only scheduled to see one next month.

So there I was last Wednesday, at my Consultant’s room. I wanted so much to tell, wanted so much to tell someone who may understand (who other than my doctor?) about what I have experienced. Was I looking for an answer or a solution? No I wasn’t… I simply needed to share the burden, I was looking for someone to co-share the anxiety that has built up – I was desiring affirmation and companionship. Upon sharing the symptoms and her examining my eyes, she confirmed my initial diagnosis that it is not an infection. I got an immediate referral to the Ophthalmologist Clinic next door for a thorough eye examination.

Verdict:
Bad news: Uveitis, inflammation of the blood vessel and connective tissue of the eyes
Good news: no apparent damage seen at core of the eyes

So what does it all mean? Lupus is active despite me being in denial thinking it is in remission since the last flare 2 years ago affecting my kidneys. Lupus is attacking the eyes. If untreated/uncontrolled, it may lead to blindness. *Silent panic* that’s not what I want! I can’t accept that… and I¬†refuse to.

What do I do now? I wait, I stand still and I Pray.

Father, you have brought me so far not to leave me now. While there is a gentle protest within my heart, I know you will not turn your face away from me. I am lost for words, i don’t know what to pray. The heart cries in brokenness, aware of how far i have fallen and how much i want you. You’ve told me to stand still and with that stillness in my heart, I will stand still and let you move. Thank you for the love and support you have gathered for me. With you and your people. I will STAND, in the trust and peace granted from above and within. Lord have mercy.

Amen